Months One -Three TTC
Updated: Jan 17
Could trying for a baby be any less glamourous?! The first time we tried was great, I felt a real bond with my husband, we were trying to make a new life and I got quite over emotional as I am prone to do. All I could think was, THIS IS THE TIME.
We had decided to try and make babies every day between periods in an attempt to provide my little egg with enough sperm that it had its pick of the boys. My husband was delighted at the idea of this 2010 style relationship he would get to have and I was keen for any baby making opportunity so things started out really well! After day 5 though we were both a little bit tired though, and by day 11 we’d had quite enough and were almost relieved at the chance to have a break. And who said baby making was easy? I think we both realised quite quickly that every other day would do just fine, and we weren’t 6 months into our relationship and in our early twenties anymore. There are much more important things to be thinking about, like tv shows and cuddles on the sofa.
I can only hope that it’s first time the charm because I don’t think I can take much more of this, I’m exhausted!
The anticipation of the last couple of weeks has been killing me. I may have got a little excited and bought a couple of baby books, some pregnancy tests and started a Pinterest board on nursery ideas. I do not handle waiting very well, and have a tendency to get a bit carried away, all of which ‘they’ advise against when TTC (Trying To Conceive).
The general opinion is that you should be calm and serene, whilst enjoying the baby making and not putting undue pressure on yourself. Buying the pregnancy test was a lovely experience however and a change from buying pregnancy tests that didn’t involve me panicking and regretting my life choices. Instead I walked boldly down the aisle in Boots, selected my weapon of choice and felt a sense of achievement once purchased.
In my head I’ve already picked out the baby names, decorated the nursery (neutral with hints of grey and then an addition of colour dependant on sex) and have found the hospital I will be having my fake child in.
Every single day that I have to wait to take the test is killing me! I have dreamt that it’s a positive result four days in a row and as much as I am trying to keep it all contained and not be hopeful I can’t help but be anything but hopeful.
Today started as a normal day, with three days to go until I could take the first ever pregnancy test. I had it all planned out, I was going to have my final drink Thursday night and wake Friday morning, take the test, woohoo I’m pregnant!, and spend the rest of the day contacting the hospital, making birth plans and reading the next chapter of ‘What to Expect When You Are Expecting.’ Except at 11.25am I went to the toilet and realised that I’d started my period. I am absolutely devastated. I don’t know how people who are going through problems conceiving do this every month.
I called the husband and cried because despite telling myself not to be hopeful, I was of course, ever so hopeful. This makes me certain that we made the right choice starting early despite the risks with work -I’m on a 6 month probation period in a new job - because it turns out it’s not as easy to get pregnant as they let you believe in school.
I have reacted in true Cara fashion and made a plan. Once I had stopped crying I headed out to Boots where I bought ovulation tests, checked my ovulation range on three different websites (they all gave different dates fyi!) and I am ready to go for a week’s time. Every time I go to the toilet I feel a little bit sad, but hopefully that feeling will pass. I just have to keep thinking of the silver linings to this, it’s another month to save, it’s a further month into my work probation, I can drink at my best friend’s hen do and wedding.
I also need to think that it obviously just wasn’t meant to be this month. But I’m not sure how many times I can face the heart sinking realisation that it’s another month where we don’t have our own child.
We are heading in to month two of TTC armed with ovulation sticks aplenty! We will get this baby thing down this month! ~ So I haven’t been getting any readings from my ovulation sticks which is either worrying or I’ve been doing it all wrong. As such we’ve only been trying sporadically without any real purpose, nothing like last month. I’m hoping deep down that this relaxed approach will make something stick.
The few people I have told we are trying keep telling me to relax and not stress, and I’m just thinking ‘I bloody know that! But it’s harder than it looks when I’m already the kind of person that worries about EVERYTHING! Also peeing into a cup every morning is not fun, the novelty of trying to get pregnant wears off very fast. ~ Only a couple of days to go until I find out if I am pregnant or not. I looked up the ovulation tests online and more detailed instructions were given like, use between 10am – 8pm and leave the test for 10 mins to get the final result. Which is all completely the opposite to what I was doing – first morning wee and seeing what I thought was the result before throwing away. So if I manage to get pregnant this time round it will be a bloody miracle because we have been guessing.
I had a bit of a breakdown and went into panic mode the other day because I’ve always been a little afraid I won’t be able to have children and this isn’t helping the situation. I need to try and keep things like that under control or I will just send myself into a spiral of doubt which won’t be helpful or healthy for me or the husband. ~ We took a test this morning and it was negative. I wasn’t as hopeful this month so it didn’t hit me quite so hard but it still sucks and I still cried. At least I beat my period to it this time and I didn’t have the sudden shock, I was able to find out for myself without my body telling me first.
So now we are on Month 2 and I wonder how long I have to keep doing this and how much it will change me. I hope I don’t become really bitter but there are so many pregnant women everywhere! And the tube posters are all baby related, and my cookies are remembering looking at Pinterest boards for babies so all my internet ads are baby related and I can’t get away from it. It’s going to be fantastic when I actually do get pregnant and I can get excited too but right now it feels like the world is taunting me and I’m not ok with that. I wanted to try and get pregnant without having to give things up but if there is no baby in the belly after six months I think I’m going to have to look at giving up all sorts of fun things, mostly alcohol.
On another note they lie. In school, they say if a boy comes near you then you will be pregnant. This is not true!! It’s harder than you think, although my biggest envy right now are the women who get pregnant without even trying. How do you do it?! So we go into Month 3, third time the charm? I bloody hope so...
If we got pregnant this month we would be able to find out at Glastonbury which would be such a perfect full circle I can’t even.
With this in mind we have to nail this ovulation testing and also go back to the sex every day approach. I've decided I'm going to have to take the tests at work on my lunch break, which isn't ideal but has more structure to it than trying to do it when I get home especially as we are out of the house quite often in the evening. I am not looking forward to peeing in a cup at work though, it's bad enough doing it at home.
Happy days! We are finally getting somewhere on these Ovulation tests. I caved and switched to the more expensive ones, even though my friend says it doesn’t make a difference. I got my first slight, hardly there, line yesterday which the husband and I pondered over for a while, ‘is there really something there? Is it a trick of the light?’ but today it is even darker, although not as dark as the test line so I’m hoping tomorrow is the day.
I am constantly thirsty and when you say, ‘you can’t wee for four hours’, it’s all you want to do. It would explain why I got no positive results last month though I wasn’t doing it right at all! You can’t wee as it makes the results stronger and you need to reduce liquids to make it stronger too. It’s such a relief to finally go to the toilet that I have to remind myself to slow down and save some for the cup, which I have become a pro at weeing into FYI. Doing this at work is just as annoying as I thought it would be, I have to hide my little wee cup, test and phone (for timing) on my person before I head to the toilet. I work in an open plan office so smuggling these on my person is a stealth operation. Luckily my boobs come to my rescue yet again as I can hide most things in my bra without it being noticed! We are going to up the attempts to two a day. We have also changed the way we go about things afterwards. I now lie on the floor with my legs up against the wall with a cushion under my hips for 10 minutes and then lie flat for 10 minutes too as I’ve read it can all pool otherwise. The whole thing is very unflattering but I am so worried about flow-back that anything that might help I am prepared to do. The lengths we go to….
I’ve done all I can for this month now, the little pink line is decreasing in colour and I’m left wondering if I could have done more. One can only hope that once a day is going to be sufficient, I don’t think either of us have the energy for more than that! I feel especially anxious because it would just be so bloody brilliant if we did get pregnant but like I said, there isn’t anything else to be done so I need to try and keep calm. I’ve also realised that this is last time I can try to get pregnant without it effecting my 30th birthday, not something I should particularly care about but it would be nice to have a few drinks, it is a pretty big milestone so a big celebration would be nice. Not something you can really do when you are pregnant. I’m finding all the baby forums out there are a huge help, there are just so many women going through the same thing and it is comforting to know. I suppose one of the reasons I am keeping a track of this process is in the hope that if anyone else is struggling they will find this and it will make them laugh/offer some comradery.
I don’t know if I am ever going to get over the feeling of heartbreak when I go to the toilet and realise that yet again I am bleeding. Not only that I am bleeding, but that I am 6 days early so I hadn’t even mentally prepared for the worst.I don’t want to make these posts downhearted, I’ve been trying to make jokes as I talk about the process but sometimes I can’t help but rage a little at the unfairness of the situation.
I get it, I get that’s it’s only been 3 months, I get that I shouldn’t stress and it will happen when it is meant to but that doesn’t make it any easier when you want a child. It’s just one more month of trying, one more month of waiting. I think that until you have actually been through it yourself you don’t really get to have an opinion.
I have found myself turning away from my friends who have no idea and I’ve been leaning heavily on the ones that do instead. We rage together, and try and pick each other up if needed.
So there you go. I’m not pregnant, I didn’t get to have the Glastonbury ‘reveal’ and we are now heading in to Month 4. I just need to remind myself to stay lighthearted about it all. I need to remind myself that 3 months is nothing compared to some women and their struggles.