Months Four - Six TTC

November 28, 2017

Month 4

 

 

3rd July

 

I can only hope that we are as lucky as a four leaf clover this month. We have moved into temperature testing to see if that makes any difference but the ovulation tests aren’t exactly screaming, ‘Try now, try now, try now’ which worries me.

 

I also had a lovely conversation with a friend about cervical mucus testing which I’m not sure is a sentence that I ever thought I would say out loud, let alone to a friend. I think Leigh is starting to feel the pressure too because I cant help but shout ‘GO, GO, GO’ at him when I'm ovulating.  

 

I’m having to field questions left, right and centre about 'When I’ll be trying? Am I pregnant yet? and Do I want children?'

 

I’m trying to think if I ever asked someone these questions and I can only apologise if I did because I never will again. I feel like telling these people to mind their own bloody business and they have no idea about what goes on behind closed doors.

 

If one more person tells me to, ‘calm down and not stress,’ I am going to scream from the stress of them asking. Do you not think I know exactly how I should be? That I should be calm and unfazed, embracing baby making in a serene environment. Look, I’m Me and I know Me best and I can tell you right now that I’ve always been a worrier, that isn’t magically going to go away, especially at a time that would be highly stressful for anyone.

 

6th July

 

Bleugh...I think we might have messed up this month. I didn't start temperature testing until quite late and I think what I thought was my normal temperature was actually my ovulation temperature! I was also doing the test but not really seeing a dark line so we only tried twice this time around, although this wasn't helped by us both being away separately over what seems to be ovulation time.

 

All I can hope is that for once the, 'It only needs to happen once,' comes through for me. Otherwise there's going to be a whole lot more crying in a week or so. It would be nice if my periods stopped going all over the place too. I don't ask for much! Also if all the pregnant women could just go away because they are everywhere, on the train, on the streets, at the shops and I'm finding it really hard to be happy for them. 

 

 

13th July

 

I am due on in 4 days and I am trying not to think about it, whilst constantly thinking about it. I keep trying not to look for signs in my body, even the slightest twinge I am googling like mad which I should stop but it's difficult. 
 

I have to say that every time I go to the toilet and I don't see blood I breathe a sigh of relief. The odds of us being pregnant after only being able to try a couple of times this month are very low. How can anyone stay upbeat and positive? I'm tempted to go out and buy one of those pregnancy tests that tell you before your period starts but I know it's a waste of money to do so and I should just be patient.
 

You know I originally started this as a diary of the trials, poking fun at the whole process and how undignified it all is. But it has kind of ended up not really being very funny and all a bit sad. God knows what I am going to be like if it takes us a year or more.

 

14th July

 

I bit the bullet and just went and got a test because as I have said before I much prefer finding out myself than being surprised by my period starting. The test was, of course, negative. I don’t really know what I was expecting. I had a cry, as has become the norm. It’s hard not to become overwhelmed with sadness every time there is no line. 

 

17th July

 

I felt really sick yesterday, but I had an argument with a friend so it might have been that instead. I’m just waiting for this period to arrive at the moment, I did another test this morning just to make sure the early test wasn’t wrong and it was still negative so I think its wishful thinking on my part that I might be. At least if I do come on today it means I am back to my normal 28 day cycle.
 

Month five here we come… 

 

 

Month 5

 

After talking to my sister-in-law at the weekend she has suggested doing what her friend did – ditch the tests, thermometer, and counting of days and just have sex every other day. With the view that I might actually relax and get pregnant. I am going to be dramatically cutting back on alcohol as well, no more mid-week drinking for me. We are just going to take five and I’ve given myself a bit of a pep talk and said it’s going to happen so don’t worry. 

 

7th August

 

I've been a little quiet writing as I am trying not to think about what we are doing this month. I had been so good and didn’t look at my calendar at all for ovulation dates or next period due date in an effort to relax but I caved a couple of days ago as to be honest I was just exhausted but didn’t want to miss any chance to try to conceive.
 

We went away for a few days and one of the nicest things was, for once, not having baby on my brain constantly! We stayed in a secluded location which also meant I wasn’t seeing pregnant women everywhere so I was able to forget for a moment. It wasn’t until we ventured into town and I saw three heavily pregnant women that I realised I hadn’t really thought about it for a day or so.
 

I must remember to keep repeating my new favourite mantra, ‘Trust the timing of your life,’ which has actually helped focus things a little.
 

We are out of ovulation time now so it’s just another 1.5 week wait. This is almost the worst time because there is nothing I can do now to change the outcome.

 

15th August

 

I knew I wasn’t going to be pregnant this month because my back was in agony, like it always is before a period. But when I started my period it still sucked, especially as I was two days earlier so hadn’t prepared myself. I really did try this month not to think about it. We got drunk and had sex, I didn’t look at any dates, we went on holiday,  I didn’t take any tests and tried to put it out of my mind but it turns out that a) it doesn’t work b) it’s a lot harder to not think of it than you think (still with me?).
 

So here we are again. Another week of hating myself every time I go to the toilet. I can’t even be bothered to be upbeat.  
 

NOTE: So it turns out this wasn’t my period at all but implantation bleeding/my body being weird. I was actually three weeks pregnant at this time – go figure. It also means that the next month you will read I was actually pregnant all along. 

 

 

Month 6

 

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how we should have started sooner. I always wanted the marriage then baby but why? Why was that so important to me? All I can think about at the moment is how important having a child would be. I daydream about having a child, I watch videos of birth stories and advice. I am so ready for this so why is my body saying ‘No, not yet’.
 

I am happy in my life, I have friends and family, my work is going well, I’ve just been on holiday, how much more relaxed can I be?! I haven’t even counted my days forward to the next period this month, although it’s hard to go completely dark when I know roughly how long my period is and my cycle so I can kind of guess when half way is and the likelihood of ovulating.
 

Still I enter month six thinking how many more months is this going to take?

 

15th August

 

Is it sensible to be looking at nursery designs when I’m not even pregnant? It makes me happy and keeps the hope alive so I guess anything that does that is a good thing? I’ve been eyeing up some nursing chairs recently and in my searches came across one that I liked from IKEA and then found it on Gumtree £80 reduced so we have bought it.
 

My husband says we are mad to be buying a chair when we don’t even have a baby but I like to think of it sitting there and waiting to be used. I might not feel the same if I’m not pregnant in a year but I guess then it just becomes a nice armchair to have in the living room. We picked up some tester paint pots as well and have been trying colours on the walls, which again makes me feel happy and positive for the future. Something that I really must remember to feel!

 

17TH AUGUST
 

Sometimes I just want to go public with this journey. I think about everyone else out there who may be trying, friends and family alike and if they are having difficulties with no one to turn to at all.
 

At least I have a couple of friends who have gone through something similar and can talk to me retrospectively. The problem is this is meant to be an intensely personal time and you don’t want the added pressure from outsiders. If I make these posts live before I am actually pregnant I am opening myself up to a whole load of opinions from others on my situation rather than helping others who also need to talk about it.
 

I’m nearly at the end of my period which means its go time again. I’m trying to think of things we can do differently this month but apart from maybe mixing up times and positions I think we just need to keep doing what we are doing. I’m telling you though, it was actually a bit of a relief to not pee on anything or into any cup last month.
 

At the time it didn’t feel like pressure had been lifted but actually looking back on it, not peering over a stick spending hours trying to figure out if there was a line was probably good for my mental health. I want to try and keep things as normal and natural as possible.  

 

5th September
 

I’ve been a bit quiet on the writing side for this month. We had to put our cat to sleep and it has driven any thoughts other than how desperately sad I am out of my head. It does mean that for the first time in six months I haven’t spent every day obsessing over everything pregnancy related which is the only happy outcome. 
 

We've been trying every day since I finished my period, I read a delightful phrase the other day - Cervical Jelly (!), so here's hoping that one of the little buggers will get through it. You do have to laugh at the situation sometimes.
 

My breasts have been so sore which to begin with I got a bit excited about but now I reckon it was just me ovulating if I think about dates (which I’m trying not to do). Either that or my body is trying to trick me which is quite possible, it wouldn’t be the first time this year. 

I am so hopeful that because my mind has been on other things this might be our month but then I worry I've only been stressed about other things so it won’t be.

 

In the space of two weeks we have been to a BBQ and a first birthday party and of course there were lovely big fat pregnant women at both. It's so hard to sit there and listen to their joy. They should be joyful! I should be joyful for them! But really I just feel like a bitter mess. 

Period is due on Monday so *fingers crossed* for none.

   

8th September

 

Ok, if you know me you know that I am prone to getting excited about things with raised hopes very quickly. I am trying my damnedest to not do the same thing here but it’s really hard because I have been feeling queasy for the last couple of days and every time I open the fridge it exacerbates it, all I can smell is the meat, a smell which is not sitting well with me at the moment. As I mentioned before my breasts hurt all the time and I want this so badly to be the first signs but I have to keep trying to tell myself the likelihood is so slim. 
 

I have bought a first response ‘6 days prior’ test so plan on doing this tonight because although I am due on Monday I just can’t handle the freaking tension. 
 

If I’m not pregnant it begs the question, what does my body think it’s up to? Why is it mimicking signs? It’s certainly not helpful and I guess part of a bigger problem in general. If I am pregnant and have gone off meat that is just really sad (although I’ll get over it because I’d be pregnant!).

I'm going to do the test after work so wish me luck!

~

 

And the rest, as they say, is history….
 

You can read my reaction to taking the test here.
 

If you have read through the last two weeks, congratulations, they were pretty hefty blog posts. I hope my honest approach is helpful and PLEASE if you are going through something similar, if it’s taking longer than you thought or you want someone to talk to, get in touch. I will listen and understand and I promise not to tell you to relax.

I also want to mention all the women who have dealt with this for months and years. In the end it took us five months, but those five months felt like forever. I have so much love and respect for all the couples that have to deal with this long-term, it’s so painful – even for a little bit, let alone any long length of time. I’m so sorry you have to go through it and wish I could make it better.

 

 

Cara x

 

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