I went to a Hypnobirthing taster session last week and at the meeting the woman running the course asked us, "What are you worried about when you think of labour and what would you like to feel instead?"
Through this entire pregnancy I have been absolutely fine with the thought of labour. Hard to believe perhaps, but I've come into it knowing that it has to happen and that millions of women before me have got through it fine so there's really nothing to be scared about.
My favourite programme to watch is One Born Every Minute which amazes people when I tell them because they ask, "Is it not like watching a horror show when you're pregnant?!"
I don't find this at all though, I think that despite everything these women go through, labour wise, it is all forgotten once the baby is put in their arms and that is the fact that I have been focusing on. That no matter what my experience at the end of it I will have our baby.
I've also been very fortunate, and despite reading that I would hear from every woman EVER about their labour story, I haven't heard anything. And anything I have heard has been ok.
Still, the hypnobirthing group went round and the majority of women there gave the classic, 'I'm terrified' answer. When it came to me I was all prepared to smugly say that I was fine but instead I found myself saying, 'well I was fine, but since being diagnosed with GD I'm worried.'
It took someone actually asking me, and for me to say it out loud to realise that my opinion on labour has shifted somewhat in the last couple of weeks.
With the threat of early induction, c-sections and an increased chance of a stillborn birth (in extreme circumstance) there is suddenly so much more that could go wrong. Not to mention worrying about the baby's health at all times, is it putting on enough weight, will it be ok once it's born? I'm not so concerned about me, it's more that the baby doesn't have t go through any trauma to get here.
And despite trying to keep an open mind about my birth plan, as you'll have seen in last week's post, I really don't want a C-Section. It completely messes up my life long daydream of the moment I meet our baby.
For those interested it goes something like this - I push the baby out on a bed and Leigh looks to see if it's a boy or a girl telling me with tears in his eyes as the baby is placed on me and I whisper hello before bursting into happy tears and then I spend a blissful five minutes cradling our little son/daughter before Leigh cuts the cord.
I am painfully aware that if a c-section scenario occurs that it's going to be very different, with screens in place, the possibility I'd be under general anesthetic so I'd miss it all together and the baby needing to be checked straight away. If my daydream is shattered I'm going to obsess over it so I'm trying REALLY hard to come round to the fact that it might happen and if it does I will still have my baby and that's the important thing. I have 9 weeks to change my perspective just in case. If anyone has any POSITIVE C-Section stories please get in touch and let me know.
So when I originally thought to write this post it was going to be from a smug place, of no fear, but it turns out I have worries just like everyone else.
The answer I gave to the, 'How would you like it to feel?' question was, 'Safe and Supported,' so I suppose I just need to focus instead on the fact that, no matter what happens, everyone has the baby's best interests at heart and even if I don't get the daydream vision I'd hoped I will still have lots of chances to cuddle our baby after.